Dear Will: You disappoint me. How could you let Jaden make this movie?

Dear Will:

You disappoint me. You’re one of us, Will…a child of the 80’s, which I think we can both agree was the best fucking generation to ever live. Yeah, I know some people think the greatest generation was all those dudes who stopped Germany from taking over the world. Yeah, they put an end to tyranny and naked aggression against the entire world, and that was a great accomplishment. But we invented hair metal and the rubiks cube and perfected the art of over indulgence and cheesy teen movies. The Karate Kid is among the very best of those movies. It’s about to be ruined, and it’s all your fucking fault!

How the fuck could you let Jaden take this movie? We all agree he’s a good actor. He killed it in the Pursuit of Happyness and I think he’s gonna have a long career in the movie business. I bet he does not end up as one of those fucked up child stars that has to go on Celebrity Rehab with he’s 15 years old either. You seem like a good parent, so I have been struggling with why you would allow your son to destroy my most precious childhood memories (yes, I do take this personally and I think you owe me an apology. True, you have no idea who I am, but that’s not the point).

Here’s what I think happened: He got in one little fight and you and Jada got scared but you couldn’t send him to live with his aunt and uncle in Bel Air because, well, you are probably living pretty fat these days and what’s the point of sending him off to live with Carlton. All Carlton can teach him is how to do that fucked up dance and to be a pussy. I think you did the next best thing and agreed to this fucking travesty of a movie so you could send him off to live with his weird uncle Jackie for a while. Jaden will come back with some money in his pocket and the knowledge of how to kick some ass. Well what the fuck kind of logic is that? Hire a personal trainer for the kid and raise his allowance, but don’t fuck up our movies!

How would you feel if when watching the previews for the new fall season in 2020 you see a hot new show about an Asian kid from the streets that gets in some trouble at home so his mom sends him to live with his rich Jewish relatives in Dubai. I know what you’re thinking, a Jewish family in Dubai…unimaginable to you, right buddy? Well I never thought you would turn your back on the generation that made you what you are today, so I guess we’re both fucking shocked.

“The Fresh Prince of Persia”

That’s what I hope that’s what they call the show. And I hope it makes you weep.

Sincerely, a fan,

Tip

Tippy is the Heavy Hands blogger and can be reached at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .