I crave Facebook notifications more than I do human contact sometimes

The other day while catching up on status updates I came across this gem from my friend Harry Day: “So I’m curious as to how many people actually read my posts. If you do leave a comment or click the "like" button. =0).”

Harry, you’re a motherfucking genius! As I write this, 58 people “liked” your status and you got 17 comments. I have had some good Facebook days. I once got 19 comments on a picture. But never in my life will I get 58 likes and 17 comments on a single status update. Never.

Isn’t that what this whole Facebook thing is all about: instant validation of every random thought that comes to mind from people we really don’t even know anymore? I’m gonna be completely honest here…I crave Facebook notifications more than I do human contact sometimes. If I have to go to a long meeting and I can’t check my phone because I have to participate with the three-dimensional world, I freak out a little bit.

The only thing worse than the deprivation is finally getting back to my beloved phone after a few hours and not having any fucking notifications. Son of a bitch, people! I posted “I don’t crave bad foods anymore and I can live without drugs. I think I could even go without sex for a while. But I would punch a baby for some Jack Daniels right about now” more than three hours ago and I get nothing? Well fuck you then. I say this in my head by the way, not out loud. I’m not crazy you know.

I have been without my phone for as long as five hours with not even as much as a cocktease notification. You know, the notifications that get you all excited until you find out it’s not even about you. I’m not trying to be a dick here, but if it’s not about me and how funny my comment was, or a cool inside joke from one of my real friends, then I don’t wanna fucking hear it. Why isn’t there an application for that? They have applications where you can set up your own farm, fishbowl or mob network, but they can’t design one that filters out cocktease notifications?

If I had to estimate, I would say I only comment on 70 percent of the stuff I want to comment on because of the fear of the cocktease notification. I bet I’m not alone here. I’m asking—no, begging—if anyone knows how to create those applications please build this one. It’s for all of us.

Sorry I got off on a little tangent there. My real point here is this: Harry, you took this notification thing to a new level. Maybe it’s because you’re in retail and you know how to ask for the sale. No matter what, you’re my fucking hero.

~Tip