Who the fuck are you?
That’s a fair question. I’m the new Heavy Hands blogger. My name is Chris, but most people know me as Tippy. I know it’s not a very tough nickname, but Rampage was taken. I’m a pretty simple guy. I grew up in a small town in northern New Mexico where I learned the value of hard work and also when you’re fucking related to half the town it makes it really hard to get laid. Not that I had a lot of sexual prowess growing up, but it would have been nice to have more options than the two white chicks that moved to town. Speaking of which, I married one of those white chicks about 15 years ago. We live a very simple life in Las Cruces, New Mexico and I finally have everything I want: a good wife, great dogs, a good job and a steady girlfriend.
I work as a professional writer for a living, which means I still don’t get laid much despite the aforementioned wife and girlfriend. I mean really, who wants to hook up with some out of shape smartass who makes a meager living writing semi interesting social commentary? No, really, if you know someone please point them to my Facebook page. Just in case, here are some qualities of my ideal girl.
- Blonde. Matching luggage is not important, so if she’s a fake blonde I’m cool with that.
- Real Breasts. If I wanted to suck on plastic I would get one of those creepy Real Dolls.
- Promiscuous. I don’t care if she gets around more than a fucking FedEx delivery driver, as long as I’m on the route.
- Daddy Issues. This is a deal breaker for me. If you, or she, have a great relationship with your/her father, then I got zero moves for that.